Darling, thank you for making me believe in love again.

Certain experiences and trauma may make us believe that we don't need another human being to make our life complete. I believed so too but honestly, having my wounds kissed by someone who didn't see them as disasters but cracks to put their love into is the utmost calming thing in this world.

It’s okay to let your guard down once in a while. The best lesson you learned from your first heartbreak was that you know better. You’ll know when it doesn’t feel right. You’ll know if this person is all sorts of wrong for you. And you won’t settle for anything else ever again.

At first, you don’t really notice it. It starts with the small things. You can finally notice when someone is looking at you and have the courage to give them a small smile. It doesn’t feel wrong anymore when a cute guy talks to you and this time, you actually want to have a conversation. Maybe you’ll even give him your number when he asks for it. You can finally allow yourself to accept the idea that it is okay to let someone else in. 

You might finally like someone on a real level. You might be talking all the time. And yes, despite all of your efforts, your feelings are growing deeper and deeper everyday.But you’re scared. You don’t want to let your walls down. You start to question yourself. ‘Am I enough?’ ‘Does he really like me?’ ‘Is this just a game to him?’ ‘What if it happens again?’ Please don’t. Don’t shut it all out again. Don’t lock away your emotions.

Allow yourself to feel again, even if it takes everything you’ve got. Don’t let yourself think that it will be like the last time. I can guarantee you that it won’t.
Because this person is different. This person isn’t the one who broke your heart. This is someone new. Someone who could love you with everything that he’s got, if you give him the chance. So please do, because some people don’t get a second chance. Some people spend the rest of their lives wishing they could meet someone they trusted enough to open their heart to again. Don’t blame this potential love for the mistakes of your old one. Instead learn from it, do all the things you didn’t do. Allow this love to grow. Allow yourself to grow. You can’t keep on being afraid of what you’re capable of giving. Don’t hold yourself back from feeling a new kind of happy.

I gave myself another chance at love and found myself a friend, a soulmate and my better half. :)

I had convinced myself that I could live and survive in this world without a significant other. I told myself I was capable of making myself happy. I made myself believe that love was a feeling I could easily avoid. 

But then I met you and everything changed.

You make me take a step back and reconsider my decision of refusing to believe in love. You have a strange way of triggering my softness. The sound of your voice encourages me to show my vulnerability, and to feel comfortable with sharing my emotions. Your simple existence makes me want to tear down my walls.

And I’m still clueless how you’re able to do that. I’m surprised by your ability to light a fire in my cold, dysfunctional heart. I wonder if it’s a talent you’re born with, or you’re just used to handling someone with a heavy baggage. Either way, I’m glad you come into my life.

My life isn’t perfect – and will never be – but I’m so thankful that you’re here to make it a little less lonely. I can’t thank you enough for infecting me with your positive vibes. I’m glad to have your laughter as my new favorite sound in this world. I’m glad with the way you can easily bring a smile to my lips. I’m glad that you inspire me and always remind me to follow my heart above all.

I’m amazed by your inexhaustible energy while you communicate with everyone. I’m amazed by how you make me fall in love with you more, as I get to know you.

You renew my faith in love. You help me share a piece of my heart again. And you have all the right in the world to own it, to put fences around it, and to make it yours. But all I’m asking you is to handle it with caution, because the one who held it before you crushed it. I can’t afford another betrayal, and another round of picking up the pieces of my heart.

But by looking at your innocent eyes, I know that I can trust you. I know that my experience with love is going to be different this time around. I’m confident that you’re way too nice to hurt anyone. And even if we argue about petty things once in a while, I believe that you’re not going to let a day end without making amends with each other.

What I’m certain for sure is that I’m grateful that I have you in my life.

And I promise that you will always have a special place in my heart, no matter what. 

Thankful to god,

Wait for the one who stays.

I crave so much more than just a physical connection. I crave words and depth. I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears. I would yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface.

I want secrets whispered at midnight and road trips without a map. I want to wait for the person who grabs my hand and tells me with so much confidence and strength that they aren't going anywhere. I want to wait for the person who loves the ugly parts of me, who kisses each flaw on my body and in my mind. The one that adores every bone in my body despite the cracks and bruises.

Even when you come home drunk and messy, I am going to put you together, shower you and put you to sleep and do the rest when you are sober. Would you do the same? The person who I can have ups and downs with but know deep down that the bond between us is already too deep to back out now. The type of human being who shapes me into a better person. The person who I can have arguments with because they truly, deeply care about me and my well-being.

I will wait for the person who becomes my 'person' who I can trust with my whole soul, deeply adore. Who will not only be my love but also my bestfriend who promises to stay and who actually keeps the promise. The one who nourishes and fills my heart with so much and joy and love.

My sister is now a Mrs. #shawnyandnandy

Saturday, 19 November 2016.

It has been a month since the big sister got hitched and I am still in attempt to accept it. All the preparations, dance practices, last hour rush, happiness and madness, it all ended way too fast.

Yes, I did mention dance practices. As much as I love to watch, admire and appreciate dance, I am terrible at doing it. However, I was left with no choice but to be involved in the surprise dance medly that the bride's side was going to do. I did get a little confident after weeks of practice but the butterflies in my tummy on the wedding day was just out of control.

I did not even enjoy the delicious food properly, it was that bad. Soon after dinner was served, it was our turn to perform and I did demonstrate so much of nervousness that I am sure no one would ask me to dance for their wedding after this but I was looking forward to one dance which the sisters were dedicating to her. That was one I was most expressive in but guess what? The audio has issues in the midst and there was awkward break. Well, that did not stop us, we enjoyed and finished it happily.

It seemed like they did appreciate and were touched especially my sister. I could not help myself but ran towards her and hugged her after the performance ended.

Below would be my bridesmaid speech and genuinely how I felt;

"As I warmly welcome a new family member, I want to extend my best wishes and love to a very special couple. I wish for this day to be the first of many years of happiness to come and may your marriage be everything you have dreamt of. May both your love be modern enough to survive the times but old fashioned enough to last forever. The both of you are so going to make the right team and you already have a supporter here. I just want to let the most beautiful of all brides know that I am so proud to be here and let everyone know that she is my sister. For someone who goes the distance to make her loved ones happy, no words can express how happy I am for her on this day and to see the smiles on her face. She has brought so much joy into our lives, I have watched her grow up and build a successful life. She has played many roles in my life and today I wish her only the best in this new role which she has signed up for forever. Our shelters might have changed along the way but the love remains. I want to thank you for being a responsible sister from wherever you are, trying to leave a clean trace behind and sharing life lessons. You heard my first cry, watched me take my first steps and ever since you were willing to carry my burden on your shoulders and guide me in whatever I take a step into. You were there to help me solve maths problems and whatever problems that arose subsequently. She has been Ms Independent inspiring me to swim through the bad times independently to remain a bold person. She has been blunt about the truths of growing up and does not sugarcoat only so I become a better person. Being an overprotective sister, you place barriers ahead of me to continuously protect me from whatever may be. You have taught me to not make the best decisions but to make a decision which would be right for me and today I know that this decision would only be right for you and nothing else could satisfy me.

Congratulations once again, I love you, always have and always will."

I meant every single word and as I was holding my tears back, I am so happy for my sister because for where she is today and for her wedding to be this beautiful, she has worked very hard and handled so much. She worked her relationship through this many years only because of her strength and love and of course with Shawn's endless support and hand in this. She is like a psychotic boyfriend towards me but I'll never ask for anything different. She is like a sister and brother whom I only want the best for. 

I have witnessed her downfalls and obstacles especially over the past one year but nothing stopped her from achieving and fighting through. This is why I am thankful that we are very much alike as I would definitely aspire to be as strong-willed and successful.

More than anything, it warms my heart to witness these two hearts unite as I have admired their relationship all along. It is one that is imperfect yet so beautiful. They accept each other as a whole, give each other the space and are just meant for each other. I knew him as a dancer in one of the teams that competed against my sister's dance group back in 2007 but who would have thought that he would be my brother-in-law today? Such a genuine and caring person whom I hope does not get bullied by my sister, hahaha. Jokes aside, I am happy for BOTH of them and just pray that whatever comes by after this only brings them closer. 

I was overwhelmed by compliments received for myself and my outfit which I am glad I pulled off when I thought otherwise. 

I must mention how dashing the bride and groom looked on the day. I could not take my eyes off them especially during their performances. The finale item was just so good that I found myself moving to it. There were few friendly people who returned a smile but there were a lot more who did not. How sad! It did not matter because I was my friendly self. 

I had mixed feelings about the day coming to an end although I got to spend time with the newly wed, a few friends and cousins during the after-party. Next up: The traditional wedding!

                                                                     Sending you love,

                                                                             

Rakshana. A blessing from God.

On 29th October which was also Deepavali, I was blessed with a niece whom we have awaited for 9 years. She is indeed a blessing from God.

I am going to ensure this little beauty has the best of everything and has a clean path ahead of her. I am going to make sure she does not become glued to gadgets and technology but learns to socialise and plays on the grounds with real people, has her falls and gets hurt while only becoming stronger.

It has been a full month since she has been welcomed to be a part of us and I am so excited for the rest of her journey ahead. Athai is always going to love and protect you Rakshana. <3 

My first plane ride to Incredible India.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016.

It was my first plane ride at the age of 19 and I am not shy about it at all. I am happy that I experienced it at an age where I would remember it, feel it and appreciate it. What makes it more special would be that I was financially independent at my destination and the purpose of it was my sister's wedding. 

So where was I headed to? You are right, India (Chennai) it is. My trip was for a period of 5 days. We left from Singapore on 14th September evening. I was so excited yet a little nervous for my first flight. Of course the procedures were new to me and I was quite of a 'blur sotong' but I had Amma and Akka to my rescue as always. I gotta say it was such a nice feeling after all especially when I knew that I have reached Chennai. It felt amazing! 

It was raining heavily but fortunately we reached our beautiful hotel safely only to find ourselves ordering supper from the room service and falling asleep right after. 

Day 1.

Our first day begun with a wide spread of breakfast (The Idly is my favorite!!!) at the hotel followed by a visit to a Vinayagar temple before we adjourned to Paris Corner to get the wedding invitations done. We spent the entire morning searching for the right invitation a shop which offers the best quotation. We settled it in time for lunch when we were all famished. 

The roads were madness in India but I do miss the sight of the extraordinary roads and of course the significant rhythm of horns almost every 10 seconds.

We got a bit greedy in Saravana Bhavan where we decided to have lunch at but it is okay, food is love, love is food. We then walked to the other side of Paris corner to shop for jewellery and clothes. I then realised how crazy the crowd gets on the streets there. Be it men or women, they treat you invisible and I was walking with great fear for the fact that we were all ladies in the group.

We managed to locate a shop-house which had really pretty Lenghas at affordable prices. I bought one in lime green and hot pink. My sisters bought their shares too. The rest of the day was spent purchasing silverware items for households and the wedding where I bought myself a "gold" tumbler to drink hot beverages on my vegetarian days.  Dinner and back to the hotel for the day.

Day 2.

This was one of my favourite days maybe because I made the biggest financial damage buying whatever I fell in love with. First was "Skanda Puranam", a religious text which I have been waiting to purchase and that too I was lucky to have spotted it at a temple we went to. Second stop was Sunthary Silks; my favorite Saree shopping stop among them all. I managed to get myself a saree for Akka's wedding in the colour combination I had always wanted which is brinjal purple and parrot green. Ahhh! Oh and of course 2 other sarees I could not get my eyes off and kurta tops.

Being happy with our purchases and spending quite a bit of time there, what was next? Lunch of course. I was craving for 'Kothu Parotta' and what I was served was more than amazing.

We then went shopping for the Bride's Saree and the Groom's outfit which was not easy at all. Not having the groom physically with us made it more challenging. As for my sister's Saree, she had to fit one into budget and at the same time find one that suits her taste and is approved by her Mother-in-law. That itself was exhausting.

Day 3 & Day 4.

The third and fourth day were weekends. On Saturday, all the shops were closed till afternoon due to a dispute which was going on and it kinda became a spoiler but god's willing we managed to continue ticking off items from our checklist. More Sarees and accesories. After much dilemma, the bride's and groom's outfits were finalised. Invitations were collected. More food venturing. 

On the fourth day, we had gone to Pondy Bazaar which made us go crazy as they had so much which was beautiful and cheap. From footwear to tops to accessorises and etc. We also went to India's Guardian which was "Health&Beauty" and went crazy there too. Having an amazing Make-Up Artist in the family, we could not miss out on good cosmetics there. 

In the noon, we headed over to their malls and even tried their Paneer(Cottage Cheese) Burger from McDonalds. Unfortunately we had no chilli sauce to go with it :( Towards evening, I started feeling fluish and I was just praying that it should not get worst till I get back home. That same evening, I also felt like a princess as we went to the spa to have our preferred needs satisfied. I had a Nepali masseur who massaged my foot and it felt heavenly. I would have done that every day if I could.

DAY 5!!!

It came down to our last day in Chennai. Thankfully, I was still not financially exhausted. I sponsored an Auto ride hehehe. It felt like we were on a roller coaster moreover when I was seated right beside the driver. Nevertheless it was so fun and I regret not having more of such rides.

We did last impulse purchases at Mint Street and Pondy Bazaar. Got myself bangle organisers while my sister was shopping for bridal sets to beautify her clients with. I became even sick but was still going strong. Then came the tough part where we had to pack everything and ensure it was within the baggage requirement. Our flight was only at midnight, India timing. Hence, after checking out, we went over to my sister's friend who's been staying there to get treatment. He is living in a private apartment with caretakers and 2 chef whom are just awesome. Apart from them, there was someone whom had all my attention, his dog, Thunder. Thunder was literally thunder when it came to making noise but such a friendly and loving baby he was. I had no heart to leave after spending hours with him. 

We were already beginning to doze off on the couch but before we knew, it was already time for us to head to the Airport. I definitely felt sad that our short holiday was coming to and end but was more than happy that our purpose of being there was met and that I could accompany my sister for this trip. There were downs during the trips but I guess this is a norm when it comes to a wedding. Now that this is settled, I wish the rest of the wedding preparations go smooth for Shawn and Akka. 

Safely reached Singapore and I only remember being stuck the couch and bed for the next 2 days. Oh and admiring my buys in between. Now, I have more plane rides to work for and look forward to. I do want to explore more of the world and more of India for sure. 

Chennai was beautiful.

Sending you love,

She is soft-spoken, they said. The reason why, they never asked.

I am not that girl, so loud, always chirping like a bird.
Hyperactive and melodramatic, laughing hard and cracking jokes,
always standing out amongst her folks.

So many people have told me that I need to open up,
but not a single person understands that every time I pry apart my rib cage,
releasing all of the butterflies that have been hiding in there for years,
people are too busy swatting them away, to realise what I have done for them.

Perhaps, it is the type of conversations you hold with me.
The consistency of the conversations you have with me.
How would I let my soul talk aloud when it feels no connection?

I despise small talks. There is so much more I want to talk about.
Death, aliens, intimacy, magic, faraway galaxies, the meaning of life.
Your favourite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night,
your insecurity and fears.


I like people with depth, who speak with emotion, a twisted mind.
I don't want to know "what's up".

Thinking aloud and sending you love,

God does not only reside within the walls of a temple.

Do you pray every day, at least for a moment? Or do you only pray when in a 'holy' environment?

When I was fifteen, I started visiting the temple independently and religiously every weekend. I would be willing to sacrifice sleep no matter how late I slept the previous day and travel a distance. I was impressed with myself picking up the habits and practices my father would have wished for me to till I realised I have been lacking in one area. What is that? Neglecting the altar in my own house and visiting temples to give offerings instead. 

Today, I adopt a practice of praying at home every day, lighting up my altar at least once a day and create a connection with the almighty to assure them that they belong here. In the weekend, I stick to my routine temple visits. 

I am not implying that you would not be able to receive the blessings from God if you visit the temple and abandon the altar in your own shelter but what I wish to put across is that, you could attain the inner peace and assurance which you gain every now and then in an exterior temple at your very own temple at home itself every day. 

It is just as ridiculous as people whom are willing to travel all the way to less developed countries but do not take initiatives to lend a helping hand to people in their own community whom require similar help. You need not do much, just a walk to an eldercare nearby and spend time with the elderly? Put a smile on their face? Be compassionate? There is so much we could do instead of just saying.

Lets not even talk about sitting down in the altar and doing a prayer, it is as simple as telling a silent prayer once you wake up to thank God for another day. Come on guys, it is not going to take you that much of time as compared to lying on bed and browsing through your 'timeline'. Agree?

I honestly appreciate and admire people who have faith and do the necessary they should to pray, thank and ask. Well, it is similar to the saying "You can't just wait for money to drop from the sky". You do your thing, work hard, chase your dreams, be a better person and show gratitude to God. 

Whom I have intolerance for? People whom verbally or virtually announce their love for God or how they need to visit the temple but when the only time the remember in faith, in God and in doing a prayer is when they are facing a difficult situation. Why? It is because you only believe in miracles when you need it but when you have luxury, your "faith" vanishes. 

We need to understand that the prayers which takes place in the prayer room at home is the foundation of every action, decision which the family engages in. Before anything, treat the God you have placed at home as a family member, everything else follows. The size of what you offer to God  or the size of your altar does not matter, what matters is you do what you do with a clean, genuine heart and mind and as long as you keep the temple at home lively just like how the temple you visit has the solace, light and ringing bells. It's the though that counts, isn't it? 

Temples are a beautiful place, the feeling it leaves within your heart is rich. I love visiting the temple, especially on the days of special occasions but the bonus satisfaction comes along when you remember the temple you can create at home. Likewise, do not forgot your family at home while you're out there creating memories with other "families" you find along the way. 

Remember, a prayer a day keeps the bullshit away.

Have a good night, you alls!

Sending you love,